Loominus

After being inspired by my friend’s fancy circular knitting machine, I got brave and decided to take baby steps towards one by picking up a simple little pin-loom at Joanne’s a few weeks ago. So far, it’s been a fiasco. There are numerous little fussy things to pay attention to, like making sure to thread every pin, and remembering to rotate the thingy, and making the weave just tense enough, but not too tense. But the main problem for me seems lie in the removal of the weave from the loom. Despite my handling the raw weave with as much caution as if it were nuclear waste, I have still managed to mangle every single one of my pieces while trying to finish them. I’ve tried about 8 different skeins, so I can no longer blame this on cheap, flawed or inferior yarn. It’s me that’s flawed, okay? It’s me! *Sob.*

The consequences of my screw-ups are that Buddy has lots of new “cat toys," and I have begun to immerse myself in online crafting videos, which I find strangely relaxing. No one is yelling at anyone. The crafters are all inordinately calm, and exist a rarified cloud, where their only purpose is  to  methodically explain how to knit a brimmed hat or a cell phone cozy or a doll afghan. And they are all reassuringly competent. When they make an error, they don’t break out into a panic-stricken flop sweat like I do and proceed to make it even worse by over-correcting—no, they merely murmur “Oh, dearie me,” fix it up post-haste, and move on. I can never hope to even mimic their poise and grace under hat pressure, so I guess I can write off a career as a Youtube crafter. That’s fine, since my dream moniker is already taken. (Thanks, Crafty Ginger!)

A scheming little devil on my shoulder keeps telling me that I’m having trouble because the pin loom is simply too small for my lavish talents, and that if had a better, vastly more expensive tool, I’d able to crank out beautiful hipster beanies and dreamy blankets and cozy little hand warmers in a jiff. I am already mentally preparing Mr. Typist for the arrival of a circular knitting machine by constantly reminding him it’s from Germany. He had already pre-objected that it will be noisy, but the minute I told him it was from Germany, his fears were assuaged. Apparently, he maintains a deep and abiding belief in the quality of German engineering, which I plan to use fully to my advantage.

Along with my fascination with looms, I’ve always been very curious about the art of tapestry. I recently came across a video that details the history of tapestry weaving, and I was captivated. The classic method of weaving tapestry is complex, slow, painstaking, and deeply collaborative. It’s the opposite of today’s ethos in every way—it requires long-term thinking, glacial patience, teamwork, and yes, love. Tapestries take years to create and a team of experts all working at their peak of competence. They don’t get to see the results of their labor for years and years, and most remarkable of all, all of this said labor is for the sole purpose of brining beauty to the world. It’s reminiscent to me of the labor that went into creating the Book of Kells, which I saw in Ireland last year. I think that there is still a part of our collective souls that yearn for this sort of slow, complicated, detail-intense process in the service of beauty.

If you have a modicum of patience and about nine minutes, you might enjoy this video on the classic art of tapestry. I’ll be online, scheming to nab my knitter.

--Kristen McHenry

Emotional Bubble Dome, Minecraft Haiku

Every year around this time, at least one of my posts references The Big Stressful Yearly Event that I run every year around this time. The last two years, just before the BSYE, some physical calamity or another has befallen me—last year, I was death sick and only got through emceeing it thanks to half a bottle of Dayquil and an Echinacea drip, and the year before I threw my back out so badly that I could barely stand up. This year, I am determined not to get sick or otherwise damage a major body part, and as such, I have been trying to keep my stress levels down….waaaaay, waaay down. I’ve limited my exposure to the news, run through my checklists repeatedly, told myself it’s all about it having fun and that no one will notice small mistakes, and visualized the venue looking   beautiful, complete with joyful, happy guests. This weekend, I stayed cloistered indoors to avoid any incidental exposure to roving cold germs, listened to the “Spa Heaven” Pandora station, and played hours of Minecraft. In other words, I’ve enclosed myself in an emotional bubble dome, with only the whack of a pick ax and the whistle of a pan flute for company. I like it here, and I don’t want to leave.

They say write what you know, so here for your poetic pleasure are some Minecraft-based haikus. That’s about all I can manage for a post today, after all, I am a delicate little hot house flower this week and must not strain myself in any way. Enjoy!

1.

Peacefully fishing   

Suddenly, an explosion!

Damnable Creeper.

2.

Weird priest villagers

Trade for ghastly zombie flesh

Precious emeralds.

3.

Hark! Sunset is nigh

Yet I am far from my bed.

Run from the spider!

4.

So much cobblestone

So little room in my trunk.

Time for a new house!

5.

In deep underground

I seek the rarest diamonds  

Damn! Death by lava.

Also, here is an unrelated funny video (to make up for the lack of actual post content,) which brilliantly summarizes how I feel about the current state of tech start-ups:

 

--Kristen McHenry

This is Why I Don’t Leave the House, Latent Competitiveness, Tomb Raider Movie Nod

To my legions of fans who were waiting with baited breath for my weekly post last Sunday: I apologize. It turned out I had to leave the house for something besides work, an endeavor that is becoming more and more daunting with each passing year. You see, I was on the hook to attend what turned out to be a sort of fancy-ish auction to raise money for our neighborhood senior center, a cause I fully endorse. However, I was woefully ill-prepared for all of the dolling and gussying and wrangling of apparel that it required. Here is a recap of my afternoon:

1.       Craftily Google Senior Center Fundraiser to see if they had any sneak previews of the auction items.

2.      Realize with a start that this is a fancy event, as everyone in the photos of past fundraisers is decked out in finery (well, Seattle decked-out, but still.)

3.      Frantically dig through back of closet in the hopes that there is some long-forgotten dress languishing in there which will be suitable.

4.      Unearth a purple knit dress that I had forgotten I owned, and sniff it for passible-ness.

5.      Shake out dress and spray with Febreeze.

6.      Realize with dismay that the reason I had forgotten about said dress was because it clings to every bulge and makes me look like a refrigerator box.

7.      Open undie drawer in hopes of finding a pair of Spanx and some hose sans runs.

8.     Jackpot! Miraculously, one pair of Spanx and one pair of pristine un-run hose are buried in the dark crevices of the drawer.

9.      Test my one pair of dress shoes to make sure my feet haven’t gotten too fat for them since I last wore them a year ago.

10.  Shower, shave, and painstakingly blow-dry my hair. Get super-sweaty blow-drying, and remember that this is why I never blow-dry my hair.

11.   Cram my unruly flesh into the Spanx, yank on the hose, wrestle the dress over my head, lint-roll said dress, and cake on enough eyeliner to disguise my puffy, flaky, allergy-swollen eyes.

12.  Realize with mounting frustration that my only dressy coat is missing a button. Wheedle Mr. Typist into sewing a new one on for me by pleading getting-ready exhaustion.

13.  Dig out nice red leather purse, dump everything into it, and totter off to the Sons of Norway Hall. Realize halfway there that I’ve walked one block and my toes are already hurting. Come to Buddhist-like acceptance that it’s going to be a long night.

And that is why there was no blog post last Sunday.

One interesting thing that this whole Auction situation brought to light is that I have a latent competitive streak. There was an “Old-Timey Train Robbery” basket in the auction that had a few bottles of wine and some chocolate gold coins, but the thing that I was most interested in was its hand-painted model train car, which I really, really wanted to win for Mr. Typist. I didn’t think anyone would be that interested in the basket, but low and behold, the minute I put in my bid, some interloper, some madman, if you will, snuck up on my heels and tried to outbid me! I don’t know who this person thought he or she was, but I was not having it. Every twenty minutes, I found myself muscling my way over to the basket and placing yet another bid. And every time, someone else outbid me. However, they underestimated my tenacity. I waited until exactly two minutes before the auction closed, sidled up to the basket, and snuck my final bid in just under the gate! It was the most excitement I’ve had in months, which is pretty sad when you think about it. Anyway, it was all worth it to see Mr. Typist’s face light up with joy when I brought it home.

Speaking of the leaving the house, I actually did leave a few weeks ago to do something I haven’t done in years—see a movie in its premiere week. I saw a matinee of the new Tomb Raider movie, because, come on, it’s Tomb Raider and I’m not going to not see it. I won’t do a full review here, but suffice to say, the movie hit just the right note, and I fully approve of the new Tomb Raider actress, Alicia Vikander. I loved Angelina Jolie in the old franchise too, but Alicia Vikander is a breath of fresh air. She’s physically right for the role and she brings it all—acting chops, grace, a sense of humor, and just the right touch of vulnerability. It was good old-fashioned fun, complete with an interesting  villain who was just a miserable as he was evil. I recommend it. The only thing that made me sad was that I was all excited about a new Tomb Raider game coming out, and it turns out that it’s not going to be ready until at least September. September!!! That is so forever-taking! What am going to do with myself while I’m not leaving the house?

 

--Kristen McHenry