To my legions of fans who were waiting with
baited breath for my weekly post last Sunday: I apologize. It turned out I had
to leave the house for something besides work, an endeavor that is becoming
more and more daunting with each passing year. You see, I was on the hook to
attend what turned out to be a sort of fancy-ish auction to raise money for our
neighborhood senior center, a cause I fully endorse. However, I was woefully
ill-prepared for all of the dolling and gussying and wrangling of apparel that
it required. Here is a recap of my afternoon:
1. Craftily Google Senior
Center Fundraiser to see if they had any sneak previews of the auction items.
2. Realize with a start
that this is a fancy event, as everyone in the photos of past fundraisers is decked
out in finery (well, Seattle decked-out, but still.)
3. Frantically dig through
back of closet in the hopes that there is some long-forgotten dress languishing
in there which will be suitable.
4. Unearth a purple knit
dress that I had forgotten I owned, and sniff it for passible-ness.
5. Shake out dress and
spray with Febreeze.
6. Realize with dismay that
the reason I had forgotten about said dress was because it clings to every
bulge and makes me look like a refrigerator box.
7. Open undie drawer in
hopes of finding a pair of Spanx and some hose sans runs.
8. Jackpot! Miraculously, one
pair of Spanx and one pair of pristine un-run hose are buried in the dark
crevices of the drawer.
9. Test my one pair of
dress shoes to make sure my feet haven’t gotten too fat for them since I last
wore them a year ago.
10. Shower, shave, and
painstakingly blow-dry my hair. Get super-sweaty blow-drying, and remember that
this is why I never blow-dry my hair.
11. Cram my unruly flesh
into the Spanx, yank on the hose, wrestle the dress over my head, lint-roll said
dress, and cake on enough eyeliner to disguise my puffy, flaky, allergy-swollen
eyes.
12. Realize with mounting
frustration that my only dressy coat is missing a button. Wheedle Mr. Typist into
sewing a new one on for me by pleading getting-ready exhaustion.
13. Dig out nice red leather
purse, dump everything into it, and totter off to the Sons of Norway Hall.
Realize halfway there that I’ve walked one block and my toes are already
hurting. Come to Buddhist-like acceptance that it’s going to be a long night.
And that is why there was no blog post last
Sunday.
One interesting thing that this whole Auction
situation brought to light is that I have a latent competitive streak. There
was an “Old-Timey Train Robbery” basket in the auction that had a few bottles
of wine and some chocolate gold coins, but the thing that I was most interested
in was its hand-painted model train car, which I really, really wanted to win
for Mr. Typist. I didn’t think anyone would be that interested in the basket,
but low and behold, the minute I put in my bid, some interloper, some madman, if you will, snuck up on my
heels and tried to outbid me! I don’t know who this person thought he or she
was, but I was not having it. Every twenty minutes, I found myself muscling my
way over to the basket and placing yet another bid. And every time, someone
else outbid me. However, they underestimated my tenacity. I waited until
exactly two minutes before the auction closed, sidled up to the basket, and
snuck my final bid in just under the gate! It was the most excitement I’ve had
in months, which is pretty sad when you think about it. Anyway, it was all
worth it to see Mr. Typist’s face light up with joy when I brought it home.
Speaking of the leaving the house, I actually
did leave a few weeks ago to do something I haven’t done in years—see a movie in its premiere week. I saw a matinee of the new Tomb Raider movie, because,
come on, it’s Tomb Raider and I’m not going to not see it. I won’t do a full review here, but suffice to say, the
movie hit just the right note, and I fully approve of the new Tomb Raider
actress, Alicia Vikander. I loved Angelina Jolie in the old franchise too, but
Alicia Vikander is a breath of fresh air. She’s physically right for the role
and she brings it all—acting chops, grace, a sense of humor, and just the right
touch of vulnerability. It was good old-fashioned fun, complete with an
interesting villain who was just a miserable
as he was evil. I recommend it. The only thing that made me sad was that I was
all excited about a new Tomb Raider game coming out, and it turns out that it’s
not going to be ready until at least September. September!!! That is so forever-taking! What am going to do with
myself while I’m not leaving the house?
--Kristen McHenry
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