Today, dear readers, I have just returned from yet another failed shopping trip, and I am weary. Weary to the bone. All I want to know is why. Why my to-remain-unnamed local Big Box Department Store (BBDS) can’t be arsed to carry jeans in a size other than four or twenty-two, that don’t bind around my ankles, are not pre-torn, and are bloody full length instead of Capri-style. By the way, here’s a public service announcement for clothing manufacturers: Not a single living person on Planet Earth looks better with four-and- half inches of their pasty lower legs sticking out from what is essentially too-short pants, and you know it. I’m on to you, Big Pant. It’s obvious you’re just trying to push this Capri style on an unsuspecting public so you can save money on fabric.
But back to BBDS and their sad “selection” of jeans, with their high waists, ankle-strangling tapers, lack of sizes, and aggressively unflattering cuts, none of which I could actually try on, since there wasn’t a single clerk to be found in the entire store to unlock their cramped, smelly dressing rooms: I abandoned the terrible, wrong-sized jeans, and for some reason continued to torture myself by browsing through their Racks of Abhorrence, searing my eyes with such atrocities as “clever” plaid shirts featuring two different plaid patterns on opposite sides as though they were designed by The Joker, dull, badly-constructed blouses with ugly embellishments, faux cargo pants with no pockets, shirts with pointlessly asymmetrical pockets, and not a single item of clothing I was actually looking for.
All I have to say to clothing retail right now is, “What…the…Hell?” You really can’t just stock a basic pair of low-waisted, straight-legged jeans in a common size? Or anything else that a female-type person in her right mind would want to put on her body? You truly can’t do any better than the dumpster fire I witnessed today? And while we’re on the topic, I know we’re at full employment, but maybe you could cough up the funds to scatter a clerk or two around so your customers can actually try on the clothes that they might want to purchase from you. I mean, I’m no business mogul, but that makes sense to me.
The sad fact is that this cranky Typist is simply going to have to stop going to stores for clothing. I need some basic garments for an upcoming trip and I have lost all faith that I’m going to find them at any retail outlet in the near vicinity. As hard as it is for me, because I am a stubborn tryer-onner, I’m going to have shift to shopping online and just deal with the inevitable returns. When I die, I’m coming back as a cat. One fur for life, and no having to try on jeans.
To counteract all of my griping, here is a cheerful song featuring some extremely well-dressed gentlemen. (Warning: It references the ingestion and enjoyment of certain adult substances. Also, sex things, on account of how good they look.) Enjoy!