Sunday, January 15, 2017

Me--Stylist to the Stars, What I Learned About Australia Will Shock You, Childhood Crush

As I mentioned in last week’s non-blog post, I watched the Golden Globes red-carpet pre-show last week. I didn’t watch the actual Golden Globes, because I haven’t seen any of the movies and I find award shows tedious. But I get a kick out seeing the dresses. I myself am a notorious fashion frump, but something about the red carpet brings out my inner Tim Gunn, and suddenly I become this sassy, Fashion Police-esque expert in fit, color and accessories. So, for the edification of all of Hollywood, I have scrutinized this year’s Golden Globes fashions carefully via various websites, and I have a few things to say:

1.    If you have porcelain skin, light pink, white, champagne and pale beige are bad colors for you! I swear, a few of the actresses were practically invisible, their tiny, wraith-like bodies wrapped in layers of gauzy froo-froo that were exactly the same shade as their skin.
2.  Just because a look is trendy, does not mean it’s good look for you personally. For example, there are very few people who look good in yellow, but these damnable yellow gowns have been popping up everywhere for the last few years. Most of them are an eyesore. The same goes for gowns with weird, random things stuck badly onto them. I don’t understand why you would ruin a perfectly good gown by slapping weird, floppy things onto it in a random pattern.
3.  There’s a fine line between delicate and feminine, and looking like you fled a house fire in your nightgown.
4.   There is a limit to how much confusion the eyes can take. Pick one interesting design element and play it up. Six are too many.
6.     In the end, fit and simplicity win over trendiness and “statement” pieces.

Alright then. Moving on to a more serious matter, please brace yourselves for some very upsetting news. I didn’t want to have to have tell you this, but now that my eyes have been opened, I feel that it is my duty to let you know:  It was brought to my attention this week via Imgur that Australians do not know what lemonade is. Apparently, if you order a lemonade in Australia, they give you Sprite. They don’t know about American lemonade. They are not awakened to the pleasure of fresh-squeezed lemons mixed with water and sugar. And they don’t even seem to care! Their attitude is one of scornful dismissiveness. One Aussie actually called it “a niche hipster item." I’m stunned. Here I was, just going about my life all this time, having no idea that a wide swathe of  the planet legitimately believes that Sprite is lemonade. Even more shocking were several comments made along the lines of “So that’s how all those kids in America have lemonade stands. I always wondered how they were making carbonated beverages at home.” Wow.

I know that was hard to take, so to end things on a lighter note, I was thrilled to hear an interview with my first childhood crush, Shaun Cassidy, on one of my regular podcasts recently. I have a very clear memory of carefully saving up all of my allowance quarters so I could buy his record “Under Wraps.” I had my eye on that album for weeks at my local BX (we were military.) I knew it was five dollars, and I knew that five stacks of four quarters would get me my precious. Finally one day I announced I was going to purchase it. My mother said, “But you don’t have the money for that," at which point I gathered up all of my quarters and methodically counted them out in front of her in five stacks of four. Defeated, mom threw her hands up, and I dashed off to make my shiny new purchase. It turns out, the host of the podcast described almost the exact same experience—she knew the album was five dollars, and she save up her allowance until she had enough to walk to Records R Us and make her purchase. It made me smile think that while I was on an air base in remote Alaska plotting my Shaun Cassidy album purchase, another girl of my age in Southern California was socking away her quarters, too, dreaming of the dulcet tones of Shaun Cassidy. By the way, Sean was an absolute delight in the interview. Turns out, he’s very sweet man and quite an accomplished television writer/producer. You can hear the interview here.

--Kristen McHenry

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