Sunday, March 1, 2020

Odd Thought Parade, So...Coronavirus, Lucas the Annoying Scandinavian

As I understand it, one of the tenets of mindfulness is to “notice your thoughts.” I always suspected this was a bad idea, and it turns out I was right. Early last week, I had a strange thought, which led me to notice it, and then in turn start compulsively noticing all of my other odd thoughts, which led me to question my mental stability. See? Not a good idea. Here is a by-no-means complete list of thoughts I had the misfortune to notice this week:

I need to up my lanyard game if I’m gonna make it in this business.
Control the goth, Kristen. Control the goth.
No one would be going after my chickens. If I had them, that is.
Whatever happened to that fake hip-hop street fighting that was all the rage for a while? I kind of wanted to try it.
Back off, Crow. I’m not the least bit interested in your hideous babies.
The Liberty Bell is a strange motif for socks.
(Upon seeing a YouTube video that popped up in my feed): What the hell is the “underbutt” and why on earth would I care what mine looks like? What am I, a pole dancer?
No pride in ownership anymore and it’s a g-d crying shame.
I am so sick of this lady-jogging-on-the-beach default picture on my screen. She thinks she’s better than me, that’s what’s going on here.
These fake sunflowers are hella shoddy, even for ten bucks a pound.
It you’re going to bother to have a taco truck, you could at least be open when I walk over at the perfectly reasonable hour of 9:00 a.m. expecting to get an enchilada.
This whole Dr. Scholl’s thing is a scam. I can’t put my finger on how or why, I just know.

I need to run a giant magnet over my brain and clear it. Does anyone know where I can get a giant brain-clearing magnet?

So, Coronavirus. It’s very hard when these things happen to separate fact from fiction, real information from media hysteria, prudent action from panicked over-reaction. But the fact is that it is here among us and spreading. My hospital is in Emergency Command mode, and our state governor has declared a state of emergency. Please practice good hand hygiene—wash in warm water for at least 20 seconds and use a paper towel to shut off the water and to operate the door handle in public bathrooms. Cough into your sleeve instead of your hand. Wipe down surfaces frequently, including your phone. And if you can, (and I know not everyone can), think about ways you can minimize your visits to public areas—cutting down on trips to the grocery store, avoiding unnecessary travel, and so on. Oh, and kindly don’t pull up to hospital entrances, run in, grab an entire box of masks from the lobby kiosk, then drive off with them, cackling with glee at your ingenuity. We are running out of masks this way, and that doesn’t help anybody.

On a lighter note, my House Flipper adventures continue unabated. I flipped all of the houses that the game had for sale but for one, which is almost finished. (Where is that new content they promised us?!) This means that to continue playing, I have to go back and start doing contracting work again, and these in-game clients are all crazy. I am especially exasperated with Lucas Utne, who wants only white furniture, white walls, and white décor, because he is Scandinavian. Apparently being Scandinavian makes one allergic to color. It’s making me nuts. None of the furniture he wants fits in the space that he wants it in, and he insists on a full sauna with no less than six benches, never mind that the room he wants this sauna in is tiny and his demand defies physics. I guess I’ll be knocking some walls out to accommodate ole’ Lucas the annoying Scandinavian. The property ladder is not for the faint of heart.

Since I dragged poor fictional Lucas, here’s a lovely song from his culture of origin:

--Kristen McHenry