Monday, September 21, 2009

It's My Blog and I'll Whine about Non-Poetry Related Topics if I Want To

We interrupt our regularly scheduled poetry blogging to bring you the fascinating tale of my latest mundane diagnosis!

I went back to my naturopath today, all a-twitter because I thought I was on the cusp of being diagnosed with a big, scary, thyroid-related autoimmune disease. (My hormones have been running amok for the last year, and it's only gotten worse). As it turns out, it may not be a thyroid problem after all, however, the tests showed that I do have a ton of vitamin deficiencies, so inevitably, she wanted to twist the whole situation around into a discussion about my diet. I mumbled that I ate pretty okay, I guess, most of the time, and but she wasn't haven't any of it.

"What did you eat yesterday?" she demanded.

"Umm...."

"What did you eat for breakfast?"

"Well, um. Some leftover fried rice. And a glazed donut."

"And lunch?"

"The thing is, is that lunch wasn't really typical yesterday..."

"What did you eat for lunch?"

"Dill pickles and some pretzels dipped in cheese sauce."

"And dinner?"

"Some of my husband's onion rings, a beer, and some bacon at Zak's. Oh, yeah, then gummy bears."

Come on, people, it was the weekend, okay?

Anyway, the upshot of it is, in addition to a magical tincture that has to be specially concocted for me at Bastyr by a team of highly skilled herbalists, and some super-charged vitamins, I am now supposed to eat almost entirely "whole foods."

I know, I know. I get it. Please note that nothing, and I mean nothing is more eye-crossingly, fist-gnawingly dull to me than discussions of the health benefits of "whole foods", so please, just don't say it.
I suppose I'm willing to try it if it helps me feel better, but....I sort of don't know how to cook, for one thing. Tonight, full of resolve, I marched off to the store and came back, my arms full of dry beans, Quinoa, and brown rice, and I really have no idea what to do with any of it other than boil it. Also in the mix was a bottle of sesame oil, a lemon, and some elephant garlic, because I had vague notions of making my own salad dressing. I bought some fish, too, since I'm supposed to chill on the "animal protein." Of course, the
-->ubiquitous tofu was mentioned, but I can't handle even the thought of it. I don't know how this new foray into eating outside the microwaved meal in a box is going to work, but I'm none to pleased at the prospect of giving up my beloved Lean Cuisines. And just when they came out with their new line of "Spa Specials"! Oh--I didn't even tell you the worse part--I can't have any more salt! Hence, the no packaged foods, since they are all drenched in sodium, she claims. I'm not a big sugar fiend, but take away my salt, and I get hysterical.
Ugh. I just hope this heals me up, because it's going to three months of supplement-gobbling, tincture-guzzling, carrot-munching joylessness. Huzzah.


3 comments:

Dick said...

As one who has forsworn bread, cheese, all cooked meats, biscuits (sorry, cookies) - oh, the whole schlemiel - for over a month now, I feel your pain! With such crippling sacrifices being made, we'd better live long and prosper...

The Good Typist said...

Ugh, Dick! The bread and cheese alone would kill me! But I will say I already feel amazingly better sans the Lean Cuisines. I have been far from perfect, thanks to all the Red Vines and salty snacks someone brought in at work, (I mean, I can't be expected to have self-control, come on!), but I have loaded up on the veggies, fish, and complex carbs/heathy grains. Seriously, I feel so much...calmer. I can tell my blood sugar isn't doing those wild swings, and after only a week of this, the idea of eating the frozen stuff kind of grosses me out. I hope you hang in there and feel better soon, too!

Mark said...

Different things affect different people...well, differently.

I eat the frozen disasters called lunch and lose weight. As long as I don't wash them down with a cheeseburger at the local drive-thru.

I've been munching more fruits and vegetables, oatmeal and grains and not only is my girlish figure from high school going to re-emerge someday, but my blood pressure is coming down as is my cholesterol.

No way I'm giving up eggs and cheese, though. Ain't gonna happen.

Keep up the good work.