A Questionnaire for Determining Those Deserving of Care

Please answer yes or no to the following questions:

Do you smoke?

Do you have poor eyesight?

Do you suffer quietly from a vague, chronic, low-grade sadness?

Does your fleshly mass exceed the bounds of visual good taste?

Do you stubbornly refuse to bring children into this world?

Do you have too many children?

Are you lazy?

Are you freckled?

Are you foreclosed-on?

Was your cancer caused by a poor mental outlook?

Do you consume processed foods?

Do you wake up at night terrified, staring into a nameless void?

Do you avoid flossing?

Have you ever eaten Cheetos in lieu of lunch?

Are you a pessimist?

Do you nap in the daytime?

Have you ever had a lapse of faith, no matter how momentary?

Are you a drinker? An addict?

Godless? Schizophrenic?

Do you crave oily foods?

Did you at any point accept less-than-ideal work?

Have you allowed your self-esteem to suffer?

Have you found yourself unable to forgive?

Have you ever wondered what you're really doing here?

Do you find yourself anxious without reason?

Do you sometimes find it difficult to pee?

Have you ever made an uninformed choice?

Are you a compulsive:

E-mail checker?

Nail-biter?

Lip-chewer?

Self-cutter?

Liar?

Have you ever been:

Fatigued?

Socially awkward?

In debt?

Down in the dumps?

Humiliatingly in love with someone who couldn't or wouldn't love you back?

Haunted by self-doubt?

Afflicted with flatulence?

Caught speeding?

Jealous of those more fortunate?

Unable to find the correct paperwork?

Lonely beyond imagining?

Overdressed?

Mired in the throes of self-pity?

Avoidant?

Addicted to your own shame?

If you have answered “yes” to two or more of the above questions,

we regret to inform that you have been deemed

unworthy, due to the misfortune

that you have quite obviously brought upon yourself

with your reckless disregard

for all that is clean, holy, and God-fearing and virtuous.

We wish you the best

in your continued search for quality care. 

--Kristen McHenry