Pre-post script: It occurred
to me after I wrote this entry that it might raise some distracting
COVID concerns, so I just wanted to add this to the beginning: We
were masked and gloved and as socially distanced as possible
throughout the class. We also limited our practice partners to
minimize potential exposure.
For
three days last week, I took a fully immersive self-defense
instructor training course for work. It was something that I raised
my hand for thinking that it was going to be mostly about “soft
skills” and verbal
de-escalation,
but it turned out to be about 80% hard physical skills. When
I say physical skills, I mean defending from gun and knife attacks,
escaping choke holds and bear holds, and
protecting your head from flying fists. I am a remarkably slow
kinesthetic
learner
and always have been. It takes me numerous repetitions to learn
anything physical, especially complex and precise physical movements.
I get overwhelmed very easily and forget steps, and it takes me
forever to make
compound movements work
together
smoothly. (My former trainer can attest to that.) This class was one
compound movement after another, stacked hour by hour, and it almost
broke my brain. I was definitely one of the worst students in the
class in terms of awkwardness and slowness to get it. But on the plus
side, I got high marks on my verbal presentation (apparently I was
very personable,) and the co-instructor gave me kudos for my
“amazing” attitude, which made me feel all warm and approved-of.
And I’m proud of what I was
able to do, even though I wasn’t good at most of it. (I know I
wasn’t good at most of it because they kept partnering me with the
co-instructor, I assume because it was clear that I needed extra
help.)
Yesterday, after a long rest, I
hopped on to the instructor’s website and methodically watched the
videos of each of the techniques. Everything started to make a little
more sense and come together in my mind once I had time to observe
and absorb in my own time, without all the noise and the pressure of
having to hurry through every technique and struggle with being
overly-tentative due to the fear of accidentally hurting my partner.
I am in no way ready to actually teach this stuff yet, but I have a
glimmer of hope now that I can eventually master it, especially since
Mr. Typist is willing to be my test dummy at any time. (I already
used the “compassionate take-down” method on him and it worked!)
I just need a lot more practice.
The physical technique stuff is
learnable, even for me. But developing the true emotional readiness
to defend yourself from an attack is a whole other layer. I can
visualize myself doing the defensive moves. I can run the programs
in my head and ready myself to act rather than freeze in the event
that the worst happens. I am fully willing to protect myself,
but I need to work on that small seed of doubt that I cannot. That
small seed of doubt could literally kill me. Used correctly, these
techniques will work reliably every time, so the only thing in the
way right now is my thoughts, which are much harder to master than
anything physical.
My one regret is that I wasn’t able to break the
black block. We did block-breaking as a mental exercise, and I broke
every other one fairly easily after a few tries, but the black block
was the hardest, and I couldn’t break through it, despite everyone
cheering me on. One of my bruises from the class is on my wrist from
whacking that thing over and over again, until the instructor took it
away and gave me plaudits for trying. I am now haunted by that black
block. That black block represents to me an unconscious lack of
readiness, and a deep layer of shame about all of the times I have
been attacked and bullied and was unable to protect myself. (And
there it is. I didn’t expect to get so deep on myself that I would
start crying as I wrote this.) I need to break that black block in my
mind. I need to understand that I am not a frail, boundary-less,
vulnerable person anymore. I am eons away from being that person. I
have to know that and believe that, because my life truly could
depend on it. So that is the real work ahead of me, grappling not
physically but emotionally. Defeating not the enemy outside of me,
but the one inside of me.
It’s been an intense few days,
topped off by our air in Seattle being so thick with wildfire smoke
as to be almost edible. As I was looking for a video to tie
everything together, I came across a lot of martial arts compilation
videos, but after three days of immersion in alarming scenarios, I
just wanted something peaceful. Mr. Typist downloaded the game
“Subnautica” for me as a surprise on my last day of class and
it’s been a nice mental break. Enjoy the fishies!
--Kristen McHenry
2 comments:
This post really has a punch to it and is such a kick to read, Kristen!
Ha!! I see what you did there. :) Thank you for reading, Ofir!
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