Sunday, November 24, 2013

Book Delay, Brain Polish, and My New Year’s Un-resolutions

I’ll open with yet another book update--it turns out that The Acme Employee Handbook publication will be delayed until January, so it will be fun thing to look forward to for the new year. I’ll keep you in the loop.

The last few days, I have felt dull, fuzzy-brained, and slightly sullen. I found myself rooting around for distractions from doing my normal weekend tasks, and feeling entitled to mindless entertainment. I finally found it in Neverwinter Nights, a fast-moving MMORPG with the perfect storm of brain reward pathway stimulation. So I’m ignoring the crust of filth that has settled over the apartment and focusing what little ambition I have left on getting my dreadlocked Dark Elf rogue into fighting shape.

Years ago, there used to be a commercial on TV for a morning show. In it, a little cloth appeared and polished the gray silhouette of a head until it turned a bright brass color. “It’s like polish for your brain!” went the catchphrase. Or something like that, I don’t really remember. I just know I need some brain polish. I need to get a shine on the dull surface of my neurons, and I’m not sure how to do it. (Please don’t suggest a juice cleanse.)

We’re hurtling towards the official start of the holiday season and it’s many annoyances—sales on Thanksgiving, wailing and gnashing of teeth about sales on Thanksgiving and what the world is coming to, Christmas carols piped aggressively through every sound system in every store in the entire world, and seventy-eight million finger-wagging articles about how to avoid the abomination of Holiday! Weight! Gain! Which segue ways nicely into the first two weeks of January, when gym membership flyers rain down upon us, preying on those naïve enough to make New Year’s Resolutions. I never make New Year’s resolutions, so gym memberships get no traction with me. In fact, this year, I have decided to go the extra mile and actually make un-resolutions. These are things I’m going to stop pretending I’ll do/fix/address/improve on someday, and rather just accept as a part of my slovenly, ego-driven self:

1.       I’m going to stop pretending to be someone who isn’t obsessed with my weight. I’m obsessed with my weight. There. I’ve said it. I’m not proud of it, but there it is. Notice I did not say I am obsessed with my health. My health I don’t really care about that much. I want to do just enough exercising and calorie-counting to maintain thin privilege. Give me a break--it’s not easy, being both vain and lazy.

2.      I’m not going to take an adult math class to conquer my math phobia and bring my skills up to that of a functioning adult. For years, I’ve been telling myself I’m going to do this, and I never do. I finally decided I don’t need math. This is about the least feminist thing I have ever said, and I cringe just thinking it, but I’m lucky enough to be married to a math genius—so, fortunately, when I need math, and I’m crying with frustration at my desk because I can’t put a relatively simple figure together, I can call him and whiz-bang, he talks me through it. This is not a license for girls to be told they are bad at math! Girls are not bad at math. I just happen to be female and terrible at it. It’s a very long saga which I will not go into here. I’m ashamed but I finally realized I’m never going fix this. 

3.      I’m not going to be a better homemaker. I have accepted that my domicile will always involve a two-to-one cleanliness ratio. When the bathroom is clean, the living room will need vacuuming. When the living room is vacuumed, the kitchen floor will need mopping. When the bedroom is clean, the bathroom will be dirty again. Ne're shall two rooms ever be clean at the same time. There’s only so much energy I have to put into being house-proud.

4.      I’m never going to be a sharp dresser. No matter what I put on my body, it tends to look slightly eccentric or hang wrong. I’ve decided that’s probably a me problem, not a clothing problem. Whatever it is, I'm too apathetic to address it.

5.      I’m never going to sign up for Cross Fit. (See #1.)

6.     I’m always going to spend too much on books. That may sound like a humble brag, but it’s not. The one-step shopping button on my Kindle is an evil seductress, and I am powerless against her temptations. Hence, a queue of 23 unread books in my carousel. 

7.    I am not going to write morning pages, take up Yoga, or start meditating again. I finally realized I'm too antsy for all of those things.

8.     I’ll probably never finish “Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell”.

What are your un-resolutions?

--Kristen McHenry

1 comment:

Jo-Ann said...

I think you just hit upon the key to happiness.