I’ll open with yet another book update--it turns
out that The Acme Employee Handbook publication will be delayed until January, so it
will be fun thing to look forward to for the new year. I’ll keep you in the
loop.
The last few days, I have felt dull, fuzzy-brained,
and slightly sullen. I found myself rooting around for distractions from doing
my normal weekend tasks, and feeling entitled to mindless entertainment. I finally
found it in Neverwinter Nights, a fast-moving MMORPG with the perfect storm of
brain reward pathway stimulation. So I’m ignoring the crust of filth that has
settled over the apartment and focusing what little ambition I have left on
getting my dreadlocked Dark Elf rogue into fighting shape.
Years ago, there used to be a commercial on TV
for a morning show. In it, a little cloth appeared and polished the gray silhouette
of a head until it turned a bright brass color. “It’s like polish for your
brain!” went the catchphrase. Or something like that, I don’t really remember.
I just know I need some brain polish. I need to get a shine on the dull surface
of my neurons, and I’m not sure how to do it. (Please don’t suggest a juice cleanse.)
We’re hurtling towards the official start of the
holiday season and it’s many annoyances—sales on Thanksgiving, wailing and
gnashing of teeth about sales on Thanksgiving and what the world is coming to,
Christmas carols piped aggressively through every sound system in every store
in the entire world, and seventy-eight million finger-wagging articles about
how to avoid the abomination of Holiday!
Weight! Gain! Which segue ways nicely into the first two weeks of January,
when gym membership flyers rain down upon us, preying on those naïve enough to
make New Year’s Resolutions. I never make New Year’s resolutions, so gym
memberships get no traction with me. In fact, this year, I have
decided to go the extra mile and actually make un-resolutions. These are things
I’m going to stop pretending I’ll do/fix/address/improve on someday, and rather
just accept as a part of my slovenly, ego-driven self:
1. I’m going to stop
pretending to be someone who isn’t obsessed with my weight. I’m obsessed with
my weight. There. I’ve said it. I’m not proud of it, but there it is. Notice I
did not say I am obsessed with my health.
My health I don’t really care about that much. I want to do just enough exercising
and calorie-counting to maintain thin privilege. Give me a break--it’s not
easy, being both vain and lazy.
2. I’m not going to take an
adult math class to conquer my math phobia and bring my skills up to that of a
functioning adult. For years, I’ve been telling myself I’m going to do this,
and I never do. I finally decided I don’t need math. This is about the least
feminist thing I have ever said, and I cringe just thinking it, but I’m lucky
enough to be married to a math genius—so, fortunately, when I need math, and I’m
crying with frustration at my desk because I can’t put a relatively simple figure
together, I can call him and whiz-bang, he talks me through it. This is not a
license for girls to be told they are bad at math! Girls are not bad at math. I
just happen to be female and terrible at it. It’s a very long saga which I will
not go into here. I’m ashamed but I finally realized I’m never going fix this.
3. I’m not going to be a
better homemaker. I have accepted that my domicile will always involve a
two-to-one cleanliness ratio. When the bathroom is clean, the living room will
need vacuuming. When the living room is vacuumed, the kitchen floor will need
mopping. When the bedroom is clean, the bathroom will be dirty again. Ne're shall two rooms ever be clean at the same time. There’s
only so much energy I have to put into being house-proud.
4. I’m never going to be a
sharp dresser. No matter what I put on my body, it tends to look slightly
eccentric or hang wrong. I’ve decided that’s probably a me problem, not a clothing problem. Whatever it is, I'm too apathetic to address it.
5. I’m never going to sign
up for Cross Fit. (See #1.)
6. I’m always going to
spend too much on books. That may sound like a humble brag, but it’s not. The
one-step shopping button on my Kindle is an evil seductress, and I am powerless
against her temptations. Hence, a queue of 23 unread books in my carousel.
7. I am not going to write
morning pages, take up Yoga, or start meditating again. I finally realized I'm too antsy for all
of those things.
8. I’ll probably never
finish “Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell”.
What are your un-resolutions?
--Kristen
McHenry
1 comment:
I think you just hit upon the key to happiness.
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