(Warning: Every spoiler possible.) Everyone in the entire world is spouting their crackpot internet theories on how Breaking Bad will end on Sunday night, but no one has asked me for my opinion. Mr. Typist won’t let me tell him my ideas because he wants his oh-so-precious brain to remain pure of conjecture. I don’t have anyone to talk to, so you, my eleven readers, are it. I am the one who theorizes!
1. Lydia rebuffs Psycho Todd’s advances one too many times, so he cheerfully murders her and “disappears” her body in an acid vat.
2. Skinny Pete gets signed as the keyboard player for a major third-wave ska band, and Badger becomes their dealer.
3. It turns out that Mike Ehrmantraut faked his own death! He breaks into the neo-Nazi compound, single-handedly murders Jack and Jack's entire gang, then rescues Jesse.
4. Jesse and Mike team up to go after Walt.
5. Walt manages to escape their trap as he hunts down Grey Matter’s Gretchen and Elliot.
6. Marie gets wind of Walt’s intentions and alerts Gretchen and Elliot to Walt’s plan to murder them.
7. Walt still manages to take out Gretchen, Elliot and a good portion of Grey Matter’s headquarters with the clever use of magnets.
8. Marie gets ahold of the ricin and swaps it out with Splenda.
9. Walt tries to poison Walt Jr. in an attempt to exact revenge on Skyler, but instead gives Walt Jr. the Splenda.
10. Marie invites Walt over for a heart-to-heart, tells him she forgives him for murdering Hank, and gives him a ricin-laced cup of tea.
11. Walt dies a horrible, painful death on Marie’s purple shag carpet while she gloats at him in pure, vengeful glee.
12. Ted never recovers from paralysis and convinces Skyler to help him commit suicide.
13. Jesse has Saul’s vacuum cleaner guy set him up with a new identity. He moves to Colorado, goes back to school, and becomes a children’s trauma counselor.
14. Marie adopts Brock, quits her job at the hospital, and gets her real estate license so she can steal things from her client’s houses.
15. Todd dies when his freckled, farm-boy face gets bitten by the tarantula that Drew Sharp trapped in the Mason jar.
16. Saul finally gets promoted to management at Cinnabon.
17. Walter Jr. uses his share of the meth money to open a 24-hour breakfast diner, and hires Skyler as their bookkeeper. Pancakes, bitch!