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The Ten Stupidist Weight Loss Tips Ever
In my ongoing quest to achieve an impossible, sexist physical ideal that is totally unrealistic for my age and station in life, I have been going to my local gym a lot, and as such, I have been reading lots of magazines on the elliptical to distract me from the fact that I’m actually engaging in the unpleasantness of exercise. As women’s magazines are masters of asinine diet advice, I have amassed a collection of The Ten Stupidist Weight Loss Tips Ever:
1. Don’t eat anything after 5:00 p.m. Liquids count, so put down that high-calorie mug of sugarless herbal tea, Greedy McGreederson! Stick only to a small glass of lukewarm tap water to “jump start” your metabolism and burn fat as you sleep. Feeling faint from hunger? Go to sleep early so those pesky hunger pains just fade away!
2. The best time to work out for optimal weight loss is before 6:00 a.m. Make sure that you get up at 4:30 a.m. to get the gym in time for optimal fat-burning, but remember—sleep deprivation causes obesity. Get at least 8 hours of quality sleep per night.
3. Studies show you can lose up 38 pounds in two weeks simply by cutting out soda! What’s that you say? You don’t drink soda? You’re a big, fat lying liar!
4. Whole grains are good for weight loss. No, they’re bad for weight loss. No, they’re good for weight loss. No, they’re bad for weight loss. . Grains are poison, pure and simple. Eat them only with protein. Don’t eat them at all. Eat them only on a quarter moon when Mars is in Libra. You have a gluten intolerance.
5. White bread is a tool of Satan. You might as well pour a pound bag of cane sugar down your gullet and chase it with a Big Mac as eat that slice of toasted sourdough.
6. Think you’re doing good by eating your vegetables? You’re wrong! Many contain “hidden sugars” that will sabotage your diet. Push away those peas and carrots, and take rutabagas off your menu. Those sneaky culprits of the vegetable world could be making you fat!
7. For flat, sexy abs, try this simple workout: Suspend yourself in mid-air on an exercise bar. Draw your knees to your chest. Hold indefinitely. Repeat 3-4 hours per day. Not getting the results you want? You're obviously eating too many rutabagas.
8. Has skipping breakfast and substituting lemon water for lunch left you hungry for a mid-day snack? Three unsalted cashews and a quarter apple slice will even out your blood sugar and stave off the temptation to binge on sheet cake!
9. Workouts should be fun! But that’s no excuse to skip the parts you don’t like. Workouts should have variety, but make sure you do the same thing every time for optimal results. A confused muscle is a happy muscle. Bored with your routine? Buy a cute new sports bra and up the cardio! Also, you're doing it wrong.
10. Remember, the number on the scale is just a number. Don’t base your entire self-worth on it--unless it’s not exactly the right number.